Kimitake's Place

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April 10, 2023. 1823 EST

Feeling silly today.

I lament it's taken me so long to update this. I find the older I get, the less momentum I have to do things I thought I wanted to do.

As a matter of fact, I've been needing to clean my room. Organize things. Open my mail -- I like to go months without checking my mail. And ya know, I'll wait and wait and wait for a free day to come, and I'll tell myself, "You need to get this, and this, and this done," but when the day finally comes: nothing. It does feel like the passage of time has been manipulated -- for the worst -- over the years, as I get older.

I started a new job at the beginning of this year. And truthfully, I'm not enjoying it that much. Never mind the learning curve; what really bothers me is my inability to connect with my coworkers.

I can't articulate it well. Some are withdrawn and make me feel excluded. Some are pompous and narcissistic. Some try too hard to act normal, which runs contrary to my habit of waving my freak flag high. But more than anything, in general, I just get fake vibes from most of them. And I can't ignore it.

All my old coworkers encouraged me, and they still reach out to me, always asking me the same thing: "Are you happy?" Which I appreciate -- it's a kind gesture. But happiness is anathema to my purpose in life -- I don't care about being happy because you can't stay happy. It's a foolish endeavor. So why ask me if I'm happy? It doesn't exist.

In times like these, I usually turn to Buddhism -- revisit the fundamentals: the Four Noble Truths. I try to reorient my life. I've been meditating. Since I've been trying out the whole Ramadan thing, but don't remotely care for Islamic dogma, instead of praying several times a day, I meditate several times a day. I know that meditators with more experience say that meditation is about letting go -- you can't go into it with the intention of achieving something. And I do try to let go as they say, trying out vipassana meditation, as well as metta meditation, but I don't know -- for better or for worse, I can't do anything but sit here and let my shitty emotions wash over me. And I guess to compensate, when I'm in a sober, waking state of mind, I try to study the principles of Buddhism -- listening to lectures about suttas or the Four Noble Truths, or the Five Aggregates.

That fling I had with that chick, that one time, is dead and done. I mean, I'm not ignoring her -- I'm not being a little bitch about it. But she's just basically toying with me to gratify her ego -- I'm just one of her many toys, to say the least. Oh well. I'm not surprised -- my ego's just a little bruised. But then again, I think the ego is worth extinguishing.

Being bisexual is weird. My family doesn't condone gay shit -- at least amongst our little tribe. So I probably won't live to see the day that my parents approve of me being with a guy. But ya know, that barely begins to describe the issue. I mean... I don't know. It's one thing to get your rocks off over the thought of being with a guy, it's another thing to actually go out and kiss a hot guy and contradict that voice in your head saying that what you're doing is cringe. And I mean, I've been over this several times when I've studied the Five Aggregates -- these thoughts, these sensations, these desires are fleeting, ephemeral, conditional, and ultimately dukkha. What am I really trying to achieve here? Seems to me like I should just incorporate more ashubha bhavana meditation into my daily practice.

I sometimes wonder if I'll end up settling with a chick or a dude. I mean, I guess I'll never know if I don't actually go out and yuck it up with other people. I dunno. Sometimes I'm attracted to women. Sometimes I'm attracted to men. But it's like I said earlier -- how much value can I place on these thoughts?

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Leading a lonely life. Suffering a lonely death. I often wonder how I will care for myself as I get older and sick. I think I'm too scared of being alone, at least for my current state of development, with, like, regards to my devotion to Buddhism. I mean... again, I dunno. It's hard to articulate, and I know I sound stupid. But my gut tells me that I'm fundamentally misunderstanding something or not internalizing properly a Buddhist lesson if I'm feeling lonely at this state. I mean, I know enough to not fight it, right? Resisting or suffocating these emotions are never the solution. But still. What to do?

If in my mind I can conjure the avatar of a man who simply enamors me, and thus trigger this cascade of passionate and -- honestly -- embarrassing emotions, then it almost gives away the game: romantic love feels like an arbitrary, volitional choice. And when I thought I wanted a gift, I really just wanted the ornamental box it came in. I miss this person, but I've never met them. It's all a projection in my mind. But then again, I dunno. Maybe I should just go to a gay bar and yuck it up with like-minded gentlemen. I dunno. Maybe I don't know what love is.