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February 26, 2023. 2345 EST
Being alone sucks.
Took acid again yesterday.
I wish I could articulate it. There's just this lingering melancholy. I just sense intimately right now that I'm alone. I feel like my life starts to fall apart when I feel disconnected from the world, deprived of a tribe. There's always this insurmountable chasm between me and the rest. I swear to God, it's like a stupid fucking disease I can never get rid of.
I invest so much emotionally in my friends. But I don't think they reciprocate that same energy. It's honestly embarrassing to have to surrender to that feeling on acid, when you realize that your friends are actually pretty mediocre, and they're not as invested in your life as you thought, and you see clearly who's an asshole trying to bring you down, or who doesn't take your love seriously. They hesitantly took me out about five hours into the trip, to go eat and then hang at the arcade, smoke, the whole works. But I sense -- no, I know -- this won't last. We all drift apart in the end, bound to discard each other like rotten food.
I just detest being alone. Last time I took acid, a few hours in, I found myself looking at my family portraits, and I started sobbing. I did the same exact thing this time, but much sooner into the trip, cuz I took a higher dose. My God, how cathartic. I love my family. I love my friends. My love for humanity is boundless and shameless. But looking at my siblings' baby photos. I saw how beautiful and innocent they were. And I thought of how cynical and protective they are now. How scarred and wounded they are by the natural, mandated course of life. And all I can do is meekly offer my love before this tsunami wave of sadness. I can't meaningfully save anyone in the way I've dreamt. I have no choice but to accept the way things are, and proceed from there.
On that same note, laying on my bed, listeing to my music, with my eyes closed, peacefully relinquishing my attachments, simply enjoying the visuals and distortion of time, I felt on a primal level that everything would be okay in the end, and that the unpredictable twists and turns of life aren't to be feared, but rather punctuated by a detached laughter, or like, by this stalwart acceptance and forgiveness and love for the way things need to be: "Oh, how interesting, I married her. lol Neat. I live in this house now. Cool. Oh, so-and-so, died. It's okay; it'll be okay."
But still. Being alone sucks.
Who will be there to keep me company through the years? Who will watch over me? Who will build new worlds with me?
When I went to the arcade, I saw a handsome, muscular guy. Felt guilty. Thought about relationships and commitment. Thought about the shame. Unrequited love. Two ships passing in the night. A beautiful person is a beautiful person. But it's not even about the s*x -- it was more about the connection. The insatiable, shifting desires. But being unable to articulate it -- it just exacerbated my feelings of isolation.
I took the acid on a lark. It was an ill-advised excursion of mine. I hope the world appreciates the unbridled courage it took me to not lose my composure when my mom came into the room trying to have a conversation with me, hoping to get me to do tech support for her, right as my perception of time unraveled and I lost the ability to process language.
Maybe it's stupid to stress myself out over being alone. Why does it even bother me? Was I not clinging to something fleeting and ephemeral when I thought to myself that in order to be "happy," I needed to not feel "alone," like if being "alone" even means anything substantively. On some level, don't we all have to face death alone? No one else can regulate or live through our emotions for us.
Honestly, I'm conflicted about the day. I'm grateful for the experience -- the totality of it, good or bad. And my friends, flawed as they may be, flawed as I might be, still took me out. I dunno. Much to think about. Nothing left to do but take each moment as it comes, I think.
