Kimitake's Place

Catalog of Entries

January 4, 2025. 0308 EST

Hi.

I know. I abandoned this project. What can I say? Life got the best of me. Hopefully, I still remember a bit of HTML and CSS.

So what's new? What happened between April of 2023 and January of 2025?

A few things. Regarding my career, I lost my job. The details are on a strictly need-to-know basis, but -- basically -- I fucked up, and I chose to quietly bow out. However, I did go back to school to pursue medicine -- I wanna be an intensivist-pulmonologist. Having worked in the hospital in critical care settings, I really do get a kick out of playing with drips and setting pressures on ventilators, so it's kind of a passion for me. Better said: a newfound passion.

My most enduring talents are in the arts, but for better or for worse, God cast me into a world less than favorable for these pursuits. And I'm of the wrong American caste to be dreaming of making music or drawing comics when, for better or for worse, I anticipate that -- among all my siblings and cousins in my generation -- I will be the one to take the mantle of caring for my elders. So, although I'm in my 20s, I have to plan for my grandmother as I age into my 30s, as well as my parents and aunts and uncles and cousins going into my 40s and 50s. I'm talking nursing care, maids, mortgages, car payments, hospital bills, possibily rent, etc.

Regarding education, I'm currently taking the pre-requisites for medical school. There's this huge pressure on me to get the most immaculate grades. Strictly A's, and nothing less. The stress is a bit much. But it is what it is. And at least, I'm succeeding so far. Medical school is extremely competitive. And my hope is to apply to a handful of schools that offer free tuition -- and it just so happens that they're extremely competitive. So... ya know. It is what it is.

This spring, I take Organic Chemistry 1 and Biology 1 -- each with its respective lab component. I was told Organic Chemistry 1 is easier than General Chemistry 2 -- that there's no math, as opposed to the wall of text and numbers required to calculate the rate of a reaction or equilibrium concentration of a buffer solution. I vaguely recall learning how to draw carbon chains in a simple chemistry class about a decade ago, and it was a pleasant experience, so hopefully it's the same.

Regarding friends: my social life kinda sucks. I had a falling out with my friend group, recently, primarily because of their drinking habits. Every once and a while, I dedicate some time for them, but relatively sparingly. Overall, I'm spending a lot more time by myself, or at least pursuing my hobbies alone. Honestly, last year, I felt like they were bringing me down, because: while I pursue my ambitious dream of becoming a doctor and all that jazz, most of my friends are stuck, going in circles, eating shit, and getting drunk. And after a while, ya know, it just feels like, at least, some of them are putting the evil-eye on me.

And ya know, that's another thing! I would say that since I last wrote on here, I sunk deeper and deeper into a depression, and spiritually, I felt truly lost. For most of my adolescence, and into my early 20s, I would dare to say that I was perpetually depressed -- it became the baseline for how I perceived the world.

But when I finished college and started working, I slowly built confidence in myself, and for the first time in my life, I truly felt capable and useful. I also developed a friend group, which, ya know, helped: cuz I do get lonely. I've been lonely. And so, for a while, things were looking up. But I dunno. Words always escape me -- I sometimes regard it like a demonic possession.

And so, in a dark hour, I actually found myself trying to get into Santeria. If you're not familiar with it, if you're not of the culture, I'll explain it another time,-- I guess, -- cuz it's not relevant to the broader narrative. But so, anyway, I spoke with a babalao -- a Santeria priest. Explained to him my emotional turmoil. He did his reading, and among many other things, he said I had un muerto oscuro on me, and the only orisha that wanted anything to do with me was Olokun, which kind of makes sense, I figure, cuz it was the matriarchal figure, the ocean goddess of Yemaya that called to me the most.

Regardless, he recommended a few rituals, and lo and behold, I discovered that animal sacrifice is actually a core element of the religion, and meanwhile, my dumbass has been a vegetarian since I was 10. What the fuck was I doing there? So, I quietly paid el derecho and awkwardly took my leave.

For the record, I totally respect the religion. I certainly love reading about it. Researching it. And on principle, I mean -- the idea of having this patron saint that loves you and protects you. Why wouldn't I love that? The music and dancing is amazing. It's cathartic. You have a community to rely on. From the outside, it really does look attractive.

But looks can be deceiving. And when it comes to magic, you don't take it lightly -- if you play with it, you understand that it's not a joke, but a cosmological duty. And I don't think I'm meant for it in this lifetime, so that's where I left it. Buddhism is all I need. Incidentally, I swear to God, during the reading, the babalao divined I should just go to therapy.

And then regarding the topic of romance. Sex.

Um. There is none.

No, on a serious note: my love life is DOA, but not for lack of trying. Perhaps for lack of knowledge. Or social grace, maybe. But it's a process. At least, I went on a few first dates, last year. That was new for me. I also asked out an old coworker, last year. She said, "yes."

I had a pretty big crush on her -- she's smart and gorgeous, and I really thought that she kinda had a crush on me, and it seemed like we had good rapport leading up to the date, but then she cancelled at the last minute, with no explanation, and I felt so stupid and embarrassed. I'm kind of a petty bitch: for a couple weeks, I would get drunk and block her number for a bit, going back and forth, blocking and unblocking, just to spite myself, more than anything, for having been too optimistic.

The year was punctuated by innumerable abortions of romance -- trysts that ended before I even kissed or held hands. The girl would get a crush on me. I would fumble. The regret would consume me. Rinse. Repeat.

I went on a date with a cute, real smart chick from my salsa class. God gave me a freebee, because the chick was so much more extroverted than me. And yet, I flunked the shit out of it. Just utterly bombed. But lesson learned: don't tell her poop jokes. And find a new salsa class to show my face, while we're at it.

Consequently, I'm back on Hinge. No catch, so far. But fuck it. I'm trying to have fun with it. I'm a young, healthy guy. I have a family that cares about me. Friends could use some work, but they're there, I guess. I have my hobbies. My passions. My ambitious dreams. My career. What can I complain about? There are people who suffer immensely on this Earth, who die sick and abandoned and unloved, and here I am: enjoying the luxury of electricity and running water. Ya gotta be grateful.

And maybe that's the vibe for the new year. Be grateful. Give thanks. Stay humble.

Happy New Year, guys. Let's make it a decent year. Make the most out of it. We get closer and closer to our deaths with every year. So savor this very moment.